Virtuous Woman: Guide for Tongue Control

I am convinced that more people are injured by the improper use of a tongue than by any other force. What should we say—and not say?

The Bible says the tongue is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison (James 3:8) and that death or life are in its power (Proverbs 18:21). It only follows, then, that the virtuous woman will make it her goal to use such a formidable organ properly—and only for good.

Illegal uses of the tongue

“He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction” (Proverbs 13:3).

Backbiting:

• Making spiteful remarks about someone who is not present.

Point of reference:

Who may dwell in God’s holy hill? “He who does not backbite with his tongue, nor does evil to his neighbor, nor does he take up a reproach against his friend” (Psalm 15:3).

Criticism:

• An opinion or judgment of what is wrong or bad about somebody.
• Pointing out the faults of someone.
• Disparagement.
• Denigration.

Point of reference:

“And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3).

Flattery:

• An act or instance of complimenting somebody, often excessively or insincerely, especially in order to gain an advantage.

Points of reference:

“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with one who flatters with his lips” (Proverbs 20:19).

“Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple” (Romans 16:17-18).

Gossip:

• Conversation about the personal details of other people’s lives, whether rumor or fact, especially when malicious.

Points of reference:

^“For I fear lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I wish, and that I shall be found by you such as you do not wish; lest there be contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, backbitings, whisperings, conceits, tumults” (2 Corinthians 12:20).

^“A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates the best of friends” (Proverbs 16:28).

Insult:

• Say something rude or insensitive; show contempt.

Point of reference:

“An evildoer gives heed to false lips; a liar listens eagerly to a spiteful tongue” (Proverbs 17:4).

“A fool’s lips enter into contention, and his mouth calls for blows” (Proverbs 18:6).

Lie:

• Deliberately say something untrue or say something in order to deceive.
• Fabricate.
• Exaggerate.

Point of reference:

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16).

Slander:

• Saying something false and damaging.
• A malicious statement.

Point of reference:

“You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people; nor shall you take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD” (Leviticus 19:16).

Sowing discord:

• Causing disagreement, strife or arguments.

Point of reference:

“These six things the LORD hates, yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren” (Proverbs 6:16-19).

Legal uses of the tongue

“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver” (Proverbs 10:19-20).

“A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4).

Compliment:

• Words that express praise, honor, approval or respect.

Points of reference:

“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11).

“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24).

Edification:

• Speech that is morally or spiritually uplifting.

Point of reference:

“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29).

Encouragement:

• Words that inspire confidence, hope or courage.

Point of reference:

“Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Peacemaking:

• Words that bring peace or reconciliation.

Point of reference:

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness” (Proverbs 15:1-2).

Prayer:

• Words spoken to God in the form of petition, praise and thanksgiving.

Point of reference:

“Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name” (Hebrews 13:15).

Truth:

• Words that are factual and honest.

Point of reference:

“He who speaks truth declares righteousness, but a false witness, deceit. There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health. The truthful lip shall be established forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment. … Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who deal truthfully are His delight” (Proverbs 12:17-19, 22).

For more about what to say and what not to say, see the “Communication” section on the LifeHopeandTruth.com site and search this site for “communication” topics.

Karen Meeker has been married for 52 years to her husband, George. The best wedding present she received was in the form of counsel from her pastor’s wife, Loma Armstrong: “Remember that words once spoken cannot be taken back.” She finds that tongue control continues to be a daunting challenge.