Kids Don’t Listen?

Parents and teachers and puppy owners all face some of the same challenges. How do we get our children, students and pets to listen?

Being a teacher is the most rewarding paid occupation I can imagine; and parenting, the most rewarding unpaid profession. That doesn’t mean they don’t have their challenges.

Repeating ourselves

Recently, in a discussion with my teaching colleagues, we broached the subject of being ignored, having to repeat instructions and repeat instructions and … Well, you may know how that goes.

We talk to our class (for auditory learners); we write instructions on the board (for visual learners); and we have students repeat or write down our instructions (for tactile learners). But still it seems they often don’t get it. What gives?

In one of our grade-level meetings, the topic came to the forefront again. Our principal said she had read a parenting article that said we are raising a generation of kids who do not listen because we keep repeating ourselves.

I began thinking about this.

Puppies, pupils and parenting

Then my husband and I got a new puppy and decided to take him to puppy training.

Day one of puppy training, and what does the instructor say? “When you give your puppy instructions, only say it ONCE!” Uh-oh! I think I am beginning to get the picture.

I have been teaching for quite some time, and while this concept is not a new one, it really seems to apply to the circumstances we face in our classrooms—and our homes.

So I went online to see if I could find the article the principal was referring to and, voila, I found an article at Dr. Laura Markham’s site “But How Do I Get My Kid to LISTEN?!” The article is definitely worth the read.

Take in and take action

The author mentions that parents who ask this question really want their child to take in what they say and take action. Well said!

The author gives 10 excellent points to accomplishing this goal. Here are the 10 points and a brief summary.

• “Don’t start talking until you have your child’s attention.” Get down on your child’s level and look him or her in the eye, or ask, “Can I tell you something?”
• “Don’t repeat yourself.” If you get no response, go back to the first step.
• “Use fewer words.” The more words you use, the easier it is to lose the message.
• “See it from his point of view.” Say something like, “I know you are really into playing right now but I need you to … .”
• “Engage cooperation.” Give choices like, “It’s time for your bath. Do you want to go now or in five minutes?”
• “Stay neutral.” Getting emotional won’t help. The time for discussing reasons and options is later when everyone is calm.
• “Set up routines.” There are some good suggestions in the article about how to make routines (brushing teeth, putting on shoes, packing backpacks) a given, not a time to nag.
• “Listen.” As parents and teachers, we are the role models. How do we listen? If you really want your child to listen to you, then listen to him or her. Stop what you are doing and look him or her in the eye and listen.
• “Watch for understanding.” If you think the issue goes beyond not tuning into you, the article suggests talking to your pediatrician about auditory processing disorders.
• “Pare down your orders to what’s really non-negotiable.” A few of those mentioned are treating others with kindness, bedtimes, screen time and homework. Minimize the orders and maximize the fun, loving interactions.

Logical and natural consequences

These tips are helpful. But inevitably, a parent will face the question, “So what happens when my child doesn’t obey a nonnegotiable order?”

James Dobson, author of The New Dare to Discipline, writes, “Yelling and nagging at children can become a habit, and an ineffectual one at that! … Parents often use anger to get action instead of using action to get action. It is exhausting and it doesn’t work! Trying to control children by screaming is as utterly futile as trying to steer a car by honking the horn” (1992, p. 36).

When a child disobeys, there should be an action that will help him or her learn. Ideally, it should be a closely related and natural consequence. To be effective, any such discipline needs to be unpleasant. And it needs to be consistently and swiftly applied.

End result

The decision to only speak once might be a change for some parents; but ultimately, it can be a very positive improvement for them and their children. The end result is more peace, more happiness and less frustration for everyone.

Susan Scott Smith has been a teacher for more than 20 years and is a member of the Church of God, a Worldwide Association, in Texas.

For more about parenting and communication, see:

• Discipline: It Sounds Like a Bad Word but It Can Have Good Fruit!
• Power Struggles Aren’t Just a Problem for Tiger Mothers
• How to Be a Superstar!
• The Parenting Power of Encouragement
• The Power of Positive Expectations and Encouragement