Letting Go as They Fly the Coop!

My kids have been growing up—now I need to as well! As I turn over the reins (or the car keys) to them more and more, I need to turn my care and concern for them over to God more and more.

The end of last school year was a challenging time for me as a mother. In the space of a few days, my oldest daughter turned 21 and my youngest (already 18 for several months) graduated from high school. It seemed just a short time ago that they were little babies and now they were on the brink of being independent adults, making decisions for themselves!

My daughters correct me when I say things like that—“We’re not practically adults; we are adults!” Sigh. That’s really hard for me to say, let alone put into practice.

They’re ready, but I’m not

It seems like they’re ready for the adult role. They’re responsible, reliable, sound-thinking young ladies who are striving to put God first in their lives.

So … what’s my problem? Why was it that, with my oldest out for the evening with friends and my youngest headed to a friend’s graduation party, I felt the need to stay up till they were home? Why did I feel the need to text Heather, that if her evening involved showing her I.D. at some point, to make sure she left plenty of time before she got behind the wheel of the car? Why did I have to give Erica a reminder about how if the party seemed to be headed in the wrong direction, she could give us a call at any time and we’d be there to pick her up?

It’s rather ironic. When our children were little, we were awakened because they were so dependent—needing a nighttime feeding, a diaper change or comfort after a bad dream. Now they’re older, and it’s hard for us to go to sleep because they’re so independent! (Was there a middle stage, where we actually got sleep?)

Letting go

I think it’s called learning to “let go”—and I have to confess I don’t feel very good at it right now. Like a mother hen, I’d like to keep my chicks close and safe under my wings. And yet I know they also need to be able to spread their wings and fly.

I remind myself that we’ve been in the process of “letting go” since they were very little, when their father and I really did have to let go of their hands and allow them to take that first step all by themselves. That was difficult for me too—I tried to make sure they weren’t too close to the stairs or to the sharp edges of the coffee table. We could avoid the worst dangers, but falls and tumbles—and accompanying bumps and bruises—happened nonetheless.

The worrywart in me now fears the much greater dangers my daughters are exposed to at this age—the risk of car accidents, the risk of crime on an inner-city university campus, roommates that have unsavory lifestyles. I could go on and on. I want to protect them!

And yet, I can’t. In the same way that I couldn’t learn to walk for them, I can’t live their lives and make their decisions for them.

Preparing, step by step

If I analyze it, it’s obvious that “letting go”—gradually, bit by bit—is what parenting is all about. Babies start out totally dependent on Mom or Dad for everything! But with each passing year, there are more things that they can do for themselves until finally—voila!—they’re ready to be on their own.

Yes, there are risks with each incremental step toward independence. But each successful step prepares them for the next. Even falls and missteps can be opportunities to learn and avoid future disaster.

It rather makes me think of a choir piece recently performed in our congregation. The song is based on the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15). The father in that parable—representing our Heavenly Father—had the strength and courage to let go of his son and allow him to make mistakes. This father understood, it seems, that at some point our children need the freedom to make choices and decisions for themselves.

Always a mother

I’ve noticed when talking to other mothers—mothers who went through this letting go process 10, 20, 30 or more years ago—that in a certain sense a mother never completely lets go. “Once a mother, always a mother,” it seems.

A wonderful thing I’ve observed from these amazing mothers, though, is how they’ve learned wisdom. They seem to know there’s a time to give their grown children advice and a time to hold back. Their love is absolute and unconditional, but they seem to know what would be the most helpful for their adult child—both at the moment and in the longer term.

They no longer have any control—at all! Their adult children are making decisions for themselves! But the thing about these mothers I especially admire is how, because they’ve let go and are able to respect their adult children and have confidence in their decision-making skills, their children actually feel more free to come to them for advice and counsel!

When I stop to think about it, I’ve never really had complete and total control of my children. Even before they were born, I was putting my children into God’s hands—asking Him for His blessing, protection and guidance of them. In those early years I would pray for them and then get up and actively do for them and teach them.

As the years have gone by, the things I actually do for them have gotten fewer and smaller. But I can still go to God and ask for His blessing, protection and guidance. That is one way in which I aim to never “let go.”

Becky Bennett lives in Cincinnati, Ohio, with her husband, Mike, and two practically adult—okay, okay, adult—children who are helping her to grow in all sorts of ways.

Also by Becky Bennett:

• How Does Your Garden Grow?
• A Lesson in Longsuffering