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Written by Becky Bennett
At one time or another most parents will hear warnings of “don’t spoil your child!” It’s helpful to know the real cause of spoiling—and it isn’t love!
Sometimes relatives or acquaintances express concern that parents are giving too much to their child. The feared result is a child that is demanding, pampered and self-centered, with expectations that everyone should cater to his or her whims.
Spoiling happens!
We parents take such admonishments seriously. We’ve all seen spoiled kids, and we know they’re no fun to be around! As well, we realize that, for all they might rake in, spoiled children are not very happy.
Case in point: Steven Miner II (23) and his sister Kathryn Miner (20) were raised in a $1.5 million home in a wealthy Chicago suburb. But it seems they didn’t feel like they were treated well enough. Two years ago they filed a lawsuit against their mother, Kathryn Garrity, for $50,000 for the “emotional distress” they suffered as children from such alleged abuses as “failing to take her daughter to a car show, telling her then-7-year-old son to buckle his seat belt or she would contact police, ‘haggling’ over the amount to spend on party dresses and calling her daughter at midnight to ask that she return home from celebrating homecoming.”
(American parents can breathe a sigh of relief—in August 2011 the Illinois Court of Appeals dismissed the lawsuit with the acknowledgment that a ruling in favor of the grown children “could potentially open the floodgates to subject family child rearing to … excessive judicial scrutiny and interference.”)
Another example would be the sons of Eli, Israel’s high priest before the nation had its first human king. Reading the description of them in 1 Samuel 2, one can’t help but imagine that they were used to getting everything they asked for. Eli’s timid rebuke had no effect on them at all (verses 23-25), and ultimately God gave this evaluation of Eli’s parenting: “You honor your sons more than Me” (verse 29).
Overindulged
So, yes, we parents should take care not to spoil our children. But what is spoiling caused by? Is it caused by too much time, attention or love?
Is it even possible for us parents to give our children too much time, attention or love?
Child development professionals have concluded that spoiling does come from overindulging, but it is overindulging in permissiveness, low standards and lack of restraint. It comes from parents giving children material things and privileges as a substitute for their time, attention and love.
As Laurence Steinberg Ph.D., author of The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, writes, “I can think of plenty of children who have suffered because their parents were too busy, too selfish, or too preoccupied to attend to their needs. But I’ve never met a child who was worse off because his parents loved him too much. It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love” (2004, p. 27).
Madeline Levine Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who works with teens in prosperous Marin County, California, has written a book outlining the danger affluence poses to families. Titled The Price of Privilege, the book’s subtitle says a lot: “How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.”
Levine writes, “Study after study shows that teens want more, not less, time with their parents, yet parents regularly overestimate the amount of time they spend with their teenagers. … In affluent families, where social and professional demands can be highly time consuming there is often a lack of ‘family time.’ In what some researchers call the ‘silver spoon syndrome,’ affluent kids are often painfully aware that they rate low on their parent’s ‘to-do’ list” (2006, pp. 31-32).
That’s not to say that children in prosperous families are destined to be spoiled, while children in less affluent families will automatically be well-adjusted. Bad parenting and good parenting are both equal opportunity.
The point is, there is no substitute for time and attention and giving of genuine love to your children. Material things are not a substitute, and neither are privileges and lax rules.
Genuine love
How should parents express their genuine love, care and concern for their children? The book of Proverbs has some very good advice:
- Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Genuine love involves time spent teaching.
- Proverbs 29:15: “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” Genuine love involves attention.
- Proverbs 13:24: “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” Genuine love involves correction—which will sometimes involve punishment.
- Proverbs 27:5: “Open rebuke is better than secret love” (King James Version). Genuine love is verbalized and displayed.
Marche Isabella, a marriage, family and child counselor in California, offers this advice: “I’ve never heard of a parent who on their deathbed said, ‘I sure do wish I had bought Johnny Nintendo when he was 9.’ Nor a son grieve for gifts not received—except, perhaps, the gift of time and love.”
Let your children know every day that you love them, that they are special to you and that you appreciate them. There’s no danger of spoiling them with love.
Becky Bennett and her husband, Mike, are parents of two daughters whom they love very much!
For more Christian Parenting posts by Becky Bennett, see:
