Hurt Feelings

In any given day we probably witness someone who has hurt feelings over something someone said or did. As an elementary school teacher, I frequently have to deal with these emotions in my classroom. However, recently I caused hurt feelings to another teacher and did not even realize it.

The new schedule for next school year’s teacher conferences (student PE/music, etc.) came out on email. Minor changes had been made, but our conference was still at the end of the day. We prefer having our teaching blocks early while students are fresh. Well, this year another grade level asked for our slot but did not get it. My team was deeply appreciative that we had one less issue to deal with next year.

Several of my coworkers emailed me with “Yeah.” I hit “Reply All” and emailed, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”

What did I think “Reply All” meant? My third grade team, of course! Did I check to be sure? NO!

We had a meeting after school about another subject, and the team leader from that grade level appeared in sunglasses. Some teachers were curious. I didn’t give it a thought.

During the next couple of days other issues surfaced, so I asked if this teacher could carve out a few minutes so that we could meet. The next day we were able to do just that. You guessed it! The first item on the agenda was my “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” That was when I realized what “Reply All” meant … ouch!

So, I took responsibility (something we teach our students) and admitted my thoughtless mistake and apologized. The other teacher accepted my apology, and we discussed the other items.

End of story? No, that evening I began problem solving. Why did this teacher take exception to my response? I had intended no ill will but clearly had not thought through my response.

Then I thought about James 3:5 and how a “little” tongue can kindle a large forest fire. Verse 8 states no human can tame the tongue!

My thoughts returned to my school. When something like this occurs in my classroom, I ask students to put themselves in the other student’s place. “How would you feel? Would it be okay for that student to say/do to you what you just said/did to him or her? Life is about choices—let’s look at yours.”

So I put myself in the other teacher’s place and came up with this conclusion: I have either a win-win, win-lose or lose-lose mind-set. Let’s look.

• WIN-WIN: People who have this mind-set are looking at the big picture and do not take things personally. Even if the person delivering the message intends to hurt, win-winners don’t perceive it that way. If the situation needs more attention they handle it civilly. In our case, the principal was doing what was best for the school overall.
• WIN-LOSE: People who take this stance might well experience hurt feelings. Solomon tells us in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything. This win-lose approach is probably not suitable for conversation. Even in a competitive arena, winners and losers should exhibit good sportsmanship, not an “I won; you lost” position. Even if our principal had looked at her decision as “you win—you lose,” I don’t have to take that stance. And though I did not mean to convey an “I win—you lose” message, it came across that way to this teacher.
• LOSE-LOSE: This mind-set is a negative, downward spiral.

What is God’s mind-set?

Matthew 18:7, Luke 7:23 and 1 Corinthians 10:32 indicate that we who are Christians should strive not to offend or be offended.

Not hurting others' feelings and not being hurt are very hard! But three times we are reminded in the Gospels that with God all things are possible. So what should we do?

Ephesians 6:13-20 tells us to take the whole armor of God in order to win our spiritual battles, including the battle to avoid offending or being offended.

The end of the matter

So the next time I experience something that makes me pull out the Kleenex, the sunglasses and that old B.J. Thomas tune, “Somebody Done Somebody Wrong,” I am going to check my mind-set. Does it reflect God’s positive, can-do position? Or am I imputing motives to the sender of the message that will not be productive for anyone?

The other people in the situation may not have the same mind-set. I need to keep that in mind and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. They might not have meant it the way I took it.

And I'll do my best to always consider how my words and actions will be seen by those around me.

The Israelites were led by God into a corner (mountains, Red Sea and Pharaoh’s army) where they could not recover on their own. Faith in God, our Creator, allows us to make it through any trial or test anytime, anywhere!

Check out the the Young Adult Blog, “‘Don’t Worry, Dad Will Fix It’ (Why I Pray for Guidance!)” where Peter Holmes further investigates our dependence on our Creator.

Susan Scott Smith is a third grade teacher and a member of the Church of God, a Worldwide Association, in Texas.