Is There Life After the Death of a Loved One?

I firmly believe my loved ones will live again. But sometimes I wonder how we, the survivors, can go on.

In the past few years, something my mother-in-law used to say has popped into my mind repeatedly. This lovely lady was overheard more than once saying something to the effect of “all my family and friends are dying.”

I never gave it much thought when I was younger. However, I suppose it is simply logical that the longer we live, the more friends and family we acquire, and the closer each and every person is to death.

So by the time you are my dear mother-in-law’s age (she was more than four score and 10 years), those family and friends have grown older with you and, one by one (if you are the one who inherited longevity), you learn of the deaths of many of them.

My mother-in-law unfortunately experienced the untimely death of her husband in his late 50s, then two of her seven children prior to her own death. Since her death, two of her grandchildren have lost their lives.

The loss of my son

I am beginning to understand the meaning of her words. One of those grandchildren who died was my own son.

There is not a doubt in my mind that I will see my son again (based on God’s sure promise of the resurrections), so my question—“Is there life after the death of a loved one?”—is not about him, but about me and others left behind when tragedy strikes.

However it happens, it hurts

As a young child, I recall my maternal grandfather dying of cancer. My paternal grandfather died almost a decade later; and from that point on, it seems time has been littered with myriad cessations of life.

Some who died were elderly; others, very young. Some lingered and others died suddenly. However it happens, the people who are left behind are deeply affected. It is inevitable.

A cacophony of emotions

A person is with you one moment, and the next he or she is not. A cacophony of emotions is sparked by death, an event that is physically irreversible but eternally unforgettable.

A few of those emotions can be:

• Shock. (Why?)
• Denial. (Someone made a mistake.)
• Depression. (What am I going to do now, without him or her?)
• Guilt. (What if? I should have, I could have, I would have. ...)
• Blame. (Toward others, God and/or self.)
• Relief. (Finally, the suffering is over.)

People work through these emotions at different rates and hopefully come out on the other side a better person.

Surviving the loss

So, again, here is my question. Is there life after the death of a loved one—for the survivors? Can they survive? How will they survive?

There is no panacea for coping with loss, but I have a few suggestions from my own experience.

• The source of our strength is God (2 Samuel 22:33).
• My prayers for strength have been answered with a large group of caring friends who are consistently there for me. They support me with their prayers (James 5:16). Sometimes those friends might remind me, “Your son would not want you to be continually sad or to become paralyzed by his death.” That is true. It can be very helpful to tap into your friend resource.
• Remember to tackle just one day at a time (Matthew 6:34).
• Remember the good times (Philippians 4:8). If I concentrate on the loss, then I am losing my perspective of the big picture. I can look at those years we had like that proverbial glass of water—half full or half empty (see “Smile! (But I Don’t Feel Like It)”). I choose to look at the part that is full—there are lots of good memories to cherish and remember.
• In one sense death is similar to other trials. It is all a matter of decisions—our decisions about how we will handle this sore trial. I can chose to waste the remaining time I have or ultimately to become stronger for it.

Looking forward to seeing him again

At my son’s funeral, I told the gathering of family and friends that I would remember that, with each passing day, I am one day closer to seeing him again. With God’s comfort and strength to endure each day, I will make it. For all those who are suffering, I know you can too.

Susan Scott Smith has been a teacher for more than 20 years and is a member of the Church of God, a Worldwide Association, in Texas.

Related reading:

• Facing My Husband’s Death: Learning to “Walk by Faith, and Not by Sight”
• Hopelessness to Hopefulness: Dealing With the Suicide of a Loved One
• How Many Resurrections Are There?