Let’s Keep This Confidential

It was very good news—except that I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone! How could I keep this confidential?

The afternoon of my husband’s birthday I got a text message asking for his phone number. I knew it was either to tell him happy birthday or that another conversation was going to take place.

I couldn’t wait to get home to find out what the phone call was about! My husband informed me that the young man had asked him to have dinner Thursday night to have a “discussion.”

I called my daughter, Terra, and told her, “He’s going to ask Daddy for Shannon’s hand!”

A question and a challenge

My husband met with the young man, and they spoke about several topics ranging from how my husband and I met to what the causes of divorce were. Then the big question came to the forefront of the meeting. My husband gave our answer, and then he was presented with a challenge that would be hard to fulfill.

I had to pretend the meeting did not take place! I had to hold my excitement for 20 days! I could normally do this, but we were two days away from a Mother’s Day family gathering. What was I going to do? How could I act as if nothing had happened? But I made the promise, and I was determined to keep it.

Two options

I had to go to God to ask Him to help me control my tongue and to watch my words carefully. I needed to keep this promise. It was a test I had failed miserably last year. I had been given confidential information, and within two hours it had gotten back to the person. I felt great disappointment with myself and determined to work better at keeping my word of confidentiality.

I had two options. Option 1: I could avoid my daughter and not talk to her for 20 days. But I remembered that Shannon’s best friend’s family avoided her before her proposal, which made her suspicious. Shannon and I speak every Sabbath morning at 7 a.m., and we had the gathering that evening, so I could not avoid her.

Option 2 was to control my tongue and think before I spoke. While eating dinner, my mother-in-law asked the question, “Are you engaged?” Three of us stopped breathing, and then a recently engaged cousin answered her. Our breath came back, and we rejoiced for that cousin. The evening ended without further incident.

Six things

This time I passed the test, but more importantly I learned that discretion is necessary in keeping a secret. Here are six things that I now try to keep in mind when I am asked to keep something confidential:

1. Will it be harmful to keep the information confidential? If so, we have the responsibility to tell the person that we cannot keep this information private because of our concern for the person. If the person is doing drugs or something else that is dangerous, encourage the person to quickly seek help and, depending on the situation, contact the appropriate person on his or her behalf. You may lose a friend, but you may also save a life.

2. Will the information being shared bring a pleasant surprise or joy to someone else? We should not spoil the happiness of someone who wants to bring joy to others. Allow the person to share the information with others that they want to be a part of the event and don’t make assumptions. Sometimes we can assume that others will be a part of the event and can cause hurt feelings by saying something to them if they are not.

3. Will the information being shared bring pain or disappointment to others? This information is gossiping and should be discouraged. We should never be involved in gossip. Our response to the individual sharing the gossip should be one of loving guidance against gossiping and a determination not to repeat the information to anyone else.

4. Should the information be shared with someone who has more experience in the matter than you do? If you think so, ask the person if you can seek this expert advice. Make sure you advise the third person that this is a private matter and you asked permission to seek his or her advice.

5. Sometimes it would be good to advise the person that we cannot keep this information confidential. We will share the information with our Heavenly Father on his or her behalf. We can rejoice with our friends, or we can share their pain and ask God for help and comfort.

6. If you commit to confidentiality, keep it. You hurt others when they hear that you could not keep your word.

Surprise!

The day before Memorial Day my daughter accepted the young man’s marriage proposal. When we spoke to her that evening, she exclaimed “You really got me! I was so surprised to know that you were in on this.”

I got the opportunity to hear the joy and excitement in her voice, and I was able to rejoice with her knowing that I had passed the test and kept my silence for 20 days.

Chant’a Collier and her husband, Rodney, attend the Atlanta, Georgia, congregation of the Church of God, a Worldwide Association.

See more about communication in the section on “The Joys and Challenges of Communication” on the LifeHopeandTruth.com site.