Mourning: Can I Be of Any Help?

When friends or family members are suffering loss, how can we support them and ease their pain?

I distinctly remember thinking how bittersweet that Last Great Day was. My sister had missed the Feast because of serious complications with her pregnancy and was in the hospital. We left to attend the Feast of Tabernacles not knowing whether she would come through the trauma okay or not. She had already suffered a full-term stillborn birth; and we desperately wanted her, her husband and their young family to be spared that sorrow again.

On the eighth day of the festival, we got the news we’d been hoping for. Jenny had delivered a healthy baby girl, and they both were doing well. A new life had begun. It was truly “a time to be born … a time to laugh … a time to dance.” Then came word about Gertrude, a good friend from home, who also had not been able to attend the Feast. The news was mixed. She had finally lost her battle with cancer, but she was no longer suffering. That day was also “a time to die … a time to weep … a time to mourn.”

As much time as it takes

Solomon uses the word time 29 times in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. It’s an intriguing word. It can refer to something specific—as the hour of my niece’s birth or Gertrude’s death on that memorable day. But more often, it seems to have no real parameters. For instance, consider Solomon’s reference to “a time to mourn” (verse 4).

The process of mourning is so very individual, and no one formula fits all. The length of time people grieve can be weeks, months or years. Counselors can only assure that sorrow will diminish over time.

Ways to help ease the pain

The challenge facing friends and fellow church members is how to lessen the pain experienced by those who have lost a loved one. Here are some suggestions gleaned from many sources:

• One of the greatest aids to a grieving person is a friend’s willingness to listen in a nonjudgmental, active way. The opportunity to express oneself freely and openly is a vital component of the healing process—one which requires the empathetic ear of a patient, caring person.
• Resist using familiar clichés such as “at least she isn’t suffering,” or “I know how you feel.” Rather, simply express your sympathy accompanied by a heartfelt hug.
• Don’t be alarmed by frequent tears. As one person put it, tears heal and they cleanse.
• Ask how you can help. If the person is at a loss to answer, offer to do household chores, run errands or furnish meals; and then take care to follow through. Often help is readily available for the first couple of weeks, and then the grieving person is left to cope alone. Even the most routine activities can become emotionally overwhelming and draining.
• Remember the special times, such as holy days and personal markers like anniversaries, and acknowledge them in some thoughtful way. These dates often revive a profound sense of loss. A phone call or a card can do so much.
• When appropriate, gently encourage the person to become socially involved again.
• Realize that, especially in the case of the loss of a mate, the surviving spouse often struggles to regain a sense of place and identity. As one widow friend put it, “At the time of your loss you feel so alone. A man and a woman as a team are one whole team, but when you lose your mate, you feel like you are only a half.” It may take months to deal with this new norm and how it can psychologically affect something as simple as eating out or going to church.
• Never underestimate the power of God to comfort. The apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” Intercessory prayer for that comfort is the greatest gift a friend can give.

Karen Meeker lives in Missouri. She and her husband of 50 years, George, have a wonderful family, including five delightful grandchildren. She enjoys reading, writing and serving in her local church congregation.