The Fatherless and Widow: What You Can Do to Help

The previous post, “God’s Special Promises for the Fatherless and Widow,” described Lori Bryant’s experiences and God’s promises. In this post she addresses what others can do to help.

During this time of severe trial, many people have asked me what they can do to help. I talked to others who have experienced this type of loss and came up with some practical points that we can all use to help give comfort to others in their time of dire need.

Realize that everyone grieves in his or her own way and time

What works for one person is not necessarily going to work for another. In other words, there are no two people who will grieve in exactly the same way.

I have talked to different individuals about what was helpful to them. Some told me they did not want to be touched or asked questions; they wanted to be left alone. Others said they wanted to be hugged and wanted to talk about their loved one. They didn’t want to feel like they had to pretend nothing happened.

Even the same person can push you away or pull you close at different stages of the grief process. We have to attentively listen to the person and be responsive to his or her feelings and needs. Try to be sensitive to the person’s mood and feelings, without letting your own feelings get hurt.

Early on in my grief process, I found people would frequently ask, “How are you?” I became very agitated. It was a normal question, but in my mind, I was thinking: “How do you think I am? I just lost my best friend and the father of my children. I am doing terrible—how else would anyone be doing?”

But I knew the people meant well and wanted to acknowledge me, and I appreciated that. “How are you?” has become a buzz phrase in our society. Most of the time people say it expecting others to just say, “Good” or “Fine.”

But what happens when someone is not fine, and she begins to tell you her woes? If I had told someone I was good or fine, I would have been lying. So my response became, “Do you really want to know?” I wasn’t going to be able to tell others that I was good or okay for quite some time.

In giving these cautions, I’m not meaning to scare you off from talking to grieving people. We are naturally afraid to upset the one who is grieving. We may avoid talking about her loss because the grieving person may cry. But if she wants to talk about it, don’t worry about the tears. Trust me, we are going to be upset from time to time whether you say something or not.

Sometimes just being there, listening and caring is enough.

Take time to reach out

Send a letter, card, email or perhaps a quick phone message, just to let the grieving people know you are thinking of them. I also had people who sent me encouraging scriptures.

If you ask what you can do to help, the answer will undoubtedly be, “I don’t know,” especially in the beginning when the trauma is new. When you are in shock, you have difficulty making decisions.

So, be more specific. Consider what you can do for that individual or family, within your own constraints, and offer that. For instance, say, “Next Tuesday afternoon I can come and help you clean your house.” Or perhaps, “Thursday we will bring you dinner.” The process of grief is draining. I have found the most mundane chores to be very difficult and cumbersome.

I don’t know how many times I said to God, “I just can’t take this anymore! I need help and encouragement! Please help me. I don’t know how to do this!”

God really does know how much we can take before we need to be uplifted. I would get an email or a card in the mail saying someone was thinking about me and praying for us. Somehow, God was letting me know I was not alone in this painful process. What a tremendous comfort to know you are not isolated out there, and people have not forgotten us in our affliction.

Those gestures of kindness are priceless and build strong relationships.

Allow the bereaved to talk about their loved ones when they need to

Pretending nothing happened does not help anyone. Bringing the person’s name up or sharing a memory of the loved one can be very comforting. No one ever wants to be forgotten. When people share with me specific memories they have about my husband, it brings warmth and joy to my heart. Yes, it probably will bring tears also. When you love someone deeply, you can expect to grieve deeply.

A friend who was a teen when her mother died, shared with me that after her mother’s funeral no one ever talked about what had happened. Day after day, week after week, they acted like nothing had changed. In fact, their entire family just went back to work and acted like everything was the same. However, they were all hurting and didn’t know how to talk about the grief.

Trying to just move on without acknowledging the deep loss is not a healthy response. Grief not dealt with can cause a whole host of physical and emotional repercussions. It’s better to deal with the feelings as they come up. Now this is not a license to create drama and stay in those negative feelings. But they must be addressed and given to God, recognizing that He is the One who made us with our diverse emotions. He is the One who will get us through and help us with the changes that must be made.

We can support those who are grieving by letting them grieve, not rushing them to move on.

I think the bottom line is that grieving is an individual process. Pray for discernment and ask God to guide you when you try to help. Realize that tears are part of the grief process.

There is no easy way to go through this, and although God does give us His promise of the hope of the resurrection, that time is not now. Learning to walk day by day without a mate or parent is a very difficult trial. Learning to use sensitivity, encouragement and discernment in comforting others teaches us how to be more like God.

Lori Bryant attends the Church of God, a Worldwide Association, in Joplin, Missouri, with her two children, Kayla and Andrew.

For more about grieving, mourning and helping, see:

• Mourning: Can I Be of Any Help?
• Love in Action: Prayer Plus