The Fixer Gene

I tried to fix my loved ones’ problems until I finally realized it wasn’t working—and I was actually hurting my own relationship with God.

Years ago, I remember reading an article about turning your problems over to God. The analogy in the article made an impression on me.

It was about a woman taking her problems in a bag up to God. She threw the heavy bag filled with her problems over her back. Once she entered the throne room of God, she spoke to Him about her problems and laid them out before Him. She started to feel much better and unburdened. But without thinking, she placed the problems back into her bag, threw it over her back and took them with her.

The lesson I learned was, once you give God your unbearable problems, leave them with Him. Matthew 11:28 reads, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Although I often remembered the lesson of the article, it took two decades for me to really put it into practice.

The “fixer” gene

As a mother of three, I discovered I must have inherited the “fixer” gene. This gene gives you the superpower (or, actually, the desire for the superpower) to make things perfect for those you love, especially your children. If they start down the wrong path, then you attempt to force them on the straight and narrow. You take care of their financial problems before they get out of hand, and you try to pick the person that you think will be perfect for them. You even attempt to fix their relationship with God.

You try to fix things for their own good. You love them and want the best for them.

I thought it was working until I realized I had no control over my grown children’s choices. I eventually found I had to allow them to fall without a safety net.

Wrong priorities

What I didn’t realize was that in trying to fix their problems I was putting my children before God. I was so busy helping and preventing, it left me very little time to build my own relationship with my Creator. When I prayed for my children, somewhere in my prayers I came up with my own solutions, and I could not wait until I said “Amen” to put my plan into action. God became the One I vented to. Like the lady in the article, I took my burdens back and attempted to handle them by myself.

My scare

May of 2011 I woke up with a scare of high blood pressure. My reading of 190/119 was a serious number, and for the first time in my life I had something wrong with me. The cause of my high blood pressure is genetics. Add something like this to a fixer, and it throws her life into a tailspin.

I did realize that part of my problem was stress, although I have a wonderful circle of friends that I can share things with.

I found myself on my knees early one morning talking to God and trying to understand His answers. I laid out all my problems like the woman in the article, but this time I could not bring myself to pick them back up. I did not have the strength or the will to.

I left the throne room that morning without my problems, but wondering how I had gotten to this point. I remembered the story of the two sisters in the Bible, Mary and Martha.

I’d been Martha

I had been the Martha of my family. I was careful and troubled about many things, but I thought that I was getting the thing that was needful that would not be taken away from me.

I was wrong. I had to repent and take back my spiritual life.

Learning and changing

Today, when I go before the throne of God, I have to focus on what I am saying and push back that desire to fix whatever problem there is. I lay my problems out before God and ask Him to guide me and help me to learn patience as His will is done in my life and the lives of my loved ones.

When an adult child of mine brings me a problem, we discuss it. I have learned to listen without automatically telling my child what to do or attempting to solve the problem. I also advise my child to pray about the matter before making a rash decision, and we discuss the possible outcomes.

My life is simpler now. The high blood pressure is still there, but it’s under control through medication. My burdens are light, and I have rest and peace of mind. My nest is empty, and I am really enjoying getting to know the God who can save me and everyone else. It only took me two decades to understand that.

Chant’a Collier and her husband, Rodney, attend the Atlanta, Georgia, congregation of the Church of God, a Worldwide Association.

See more posts by Chant’a Collier:

• God’s Treasures
• The Seasons of Life With God