Was My Husband Henpecked? What’s the Solution?

My husband’s friends called him henpecked because I wanted him at home. I learned that nagging doesn’t work. As wives, how can we improve our relationship with our husband and still communicate our needs?

Early in our marriage my husband related to me that his friends would call him henpecked when he received a call from me and then left them to come home. (Of course, he was not the only one they called henpecked. Any one of the group who received a call from his wife and left was labeled henpecked.)

This occurred repeatedly, and I got tired of hearing that he was henpecked. I felt like I was just wanting him to do was what was right. After all, we had a child who needed him also. We were a family.

I eventually fired back that he was not henpecked but “friend pecked” by their peer pressure. I felt like he stayed on and on just because they expected him to be there. It was as if they could each justify their absence from their families because their other friends were doing it.

I was only concerned with my relationship with my husband, so it bothered me that he seemed to be influenced by that mentality. Maybe, too, I was just a bit hurt—I felt like my son and I weren’t as important to him as his friends.

I now realize that my attempts to communicate our needs were being seen as nagging, and my “friend pecked” comment was not helpful either.

At some point in their marriages, most wives will encounter some issue similar to mine. They want to convey to their husband how important something is to them—and it ends up coming across as nagging.

What I learned is that we can’t change someone else. We can only change ourselves. So what can a wife do?

What to do?

• Ephesians 5:22 tells me to submit to my husband.
• Matthew 7:12, the Golden Rule, tells me to treat others as I want to be treated. The implication is that I need to put myself in my husband’s shoes and consider how I would want to be treated. In marriage, this involves learning a little about the male psychology and what my husband needs and wants from me.
• Solomon warns about the dangers of nagging that can drive a wedge between family members (Proverbs 19:13; 27:15).
• I am also instructed to go to the person I am having issues with and talk to him about the situation (Matthew 18:15). But this must always be done with meekness and with the other person’s best interests at heart. Peter advises women about the importance of a “gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God” (1 Peter 3:4).

Reality

Guess what—change takes time. And more than that, it takes a change of mind-set. That is the biggie. Just because I realized my thinking was incorrect does not mean that it was instantly changed. The brain must be rewired. And how much time it takes depends on how entrenched the thinking habit is and how convicted I am about the need to change.

I have learned that even when I am fully convinced I need to change something about me, it takes time, and sometimes it seems to take forever.

And how much more so when the change we want to see is a change in someone else! Attempts to change your husband can backfire and push him away instead. I imagined that just by having a talk with him about the situation, he would recognize my point of view and would be a “new man.” But my expectations as a young wife and mother were unrealistic.

Help!

The bottom line is that we can be either a part of the solution or part of the problem. So what can women who are striving to be godly wives do?

• This is where prayer comes in. Whether your husband shares your spiritual beliefs or not, your prayers avail much. God hears our prayers, sees the example we set and acknowledges our efforts.
• If he’s late coming home, don’t wear your “you did it again” face—after all, that will not make coming home very attractive. Wear the face that will say, “I am glad you are home!”
• Don’t nag—we don’t want our husbands to nag us about our shortcomings.
• Acknowledge any “baby steps” of progress. Show your appreciation, for instance, when he shows up without a call from you.
• Hang in there! Do not give up. Luke 11:5-13 shows us that our Father is a perfect parent; He knows what we need at the right time.

The results? We probably grow a bit more patient, a bit more loving and a bit more submissive. Perhaps in the process we might end up encouraging our husbands to change after all. And hopefully we will be better equipped to handle the next challenge.

Susan Scott Smith has been a teacher for more than 20 years and is a member of the Church of God, a Worldwide Association, in Texas.

For more about relationships in marriage, see:

• Why Doesn’t He Listen?
• To Submit or Not to Submit?
• Weddings, Wives and Crowns