What Message Are We Sending?

Good social skills require that our verbal and nonverbal messages coincide. As Christians, how are we doing in these areas?

In the education world, social skills are often referred to as part of the “hidden curriculum,” since most students acquire these characteristics naturally and through experience. Others, however, need instruction in this secret skill set, and one of the main concepts taught is called perspective-taking. This involves the student understanding that his or her language and behavior is not only seen by others, but thought about by others.

Training in social skills is not the only area that requires recognition of what message is being sent and received. The concept of perspective-taking is also important in our reflection on the Christian message we are spreading to others. Our message should be one of preparing for the Kingdom of God through loving God and loving our neighbor. Is that the message we send on a daily basis through our actions, behavior and language?

Verbal messages: taming the tongue

The most basic level of the social curriculum is to teach the students that what they say influences what other people think about them. Our spoken message can do great help or great harm. Proverbs 15:4 says this about the tongue: “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

People will hear what we say, and they will think about it. The question is: What will they think? What message can be gained by praising God with some words, and cursing others with other words? What comes out of our mouths cannot be both acid and nectar. That sends the wrong message.

Nonverbal messages: beware the leaven of hypocrisy

Students taught the “hidden curriculum” must be made aware that other people notice when their words don’t match their body language, facial expressions and behavior. When these do not match, confusion frequently occurs. For example, a husband who continually tells his wife that he loves her would cause terrible confusion if he committed domestic violence against her. Unfortunately, abusive relationships often take the form of this twisted discrepancy between spoken and nonspoken language.

Jesus Christ was well aware of this problem even 2,000 years ago. When pointing out the hypocrisy of the scribes and Pharisees, He said: “Hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophecy about you, saying: ‘These people draw near to Me [referring to God] with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me’” (Matthew 15:7-8).

In Matthew 23:27-28, Christ also said: “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

He wanted to point out that what we say and what we do should be the same.

Do our actions match our words? If we verbally profess our commitment to God and His way of life, then our unspoken actions should match that commitment, right?

Situational behavior expectations: being a light to the world

The last major obstacle for those learning the “hidden curriculum” is to generalize their skills and knowledge to all situations. In other words, to stick to what is expected of them, no matter what occurs. As Christians, our overall message should not change or be diluted, no matter the situation. There are times for using kid gloves as well as times for using jackhammers, but the message should not change.

A mismatch in this area brought two apostles into conflict. During a get-together with the brethren, Paul recognized that Peter was not behaving correctly. In Galatians 2:11-13, Paul relates the gist of the story:

“Now when Peter had come to Antioch, I withstood him to his face, because he was to be blamed; for before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing those who were of the circumcision. And the rest of the Jews also played the hypocrite with him, so that even Barnabas was carried away with their hypocrisy.”

Peter had been treating both the Jews and Gentiles the same, but he started reverting to his upbringing and giving favor to the Jews. Paul noticed it and thought about the message it was sending. Then he took corrective action.

Whether through verbal, nonverbal or behavioral means, our message and example should match and effectively proclaim, without confusion, the most encouraging and wonderful message of all: the coming Kingdom of God.

For more about this message, see The Mystery of the Kingdom.

Eddie Foster, a school speech-language pathologist, and his wife are members of the Cincinnati/Dayton, Ohio, congregation of the Church of God, a Worldwide Association.