Power Struggles Aren’t Just a Problem for Tiger Mothers

One of 2011’s most-talked-about books is a good reminder to parents to avoid unnecessary conflict over control. But the answer to dealing with this kind of battle is not complete surrender.

We’re about the same age. We both have two daughters with a similar difference in ages. Our older daughters both play piano, and our younger daughters both play piano and violin.

So, yes, I knew Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua was a must-read for me ever since I read the Time article reporting on the storm of controversy over “extreme parenting” (as her style has been referred to) that her book set off.

To be fair, the book was written as a humorous family memoir (much of it is self-parody)—not a how-to guide on parenting. The book’s introduction reads: “This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs. It’s also about Mozart and Mendelssohn, the piano and the violin, and how we made it to Carnegie Hall. This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.”

Battle of wills

Whether Amy Chua intended it or not, I believe the biggest lesson of the book is the danger of getting into power struggles with your child.

Chua vividly describes the battle of wills that characterized her and her daughter Lulu’s relationship. She begins with the time she thought she’d teach 3-year-old Lulu obedience by putting her outside until she was ready to be a “good girl.” That ended with Chua pleading with her daughter to come in. “Lulu’s teeth were chattering, but she shook her head again. … She would sooner freeze to death than give in.” Chua soon resorted to “begging, coddling, and bribing Lulu to come back into the house” (pp. 12-13).

The final battle Chua describes is one in which she attempts to make Lulu (then 13) try caviar, but this battle was really a culmination of all of the control that Chua had attempted to have over her daughter during the intervening 10 years. It ended with a spectacular meltdown that finally made Chua realize, “If your child doesn’t like something—hates it—what good is it forcing her to do it?” (pp. 208-209).

You can lead a horse to water …

Such battles are not limited to Chinese mothers who are determined to see their child excel in everything they do. Such battles over control can happen between parents and the smallest of toddlers, teenagers and children of all ages in between. It can happen over everything from potty training to schoolwork to choices of friends. When parents give a command that they can’t enforce, they’re starting a battle they’re likely to lose.

Kevin Leman, author of several child-rearing books, sees a common root of such battles in the behavior of the parent. “Children enjoy being led, but they don’t like being driven. When parents use their authority without patience and understanding, children will often retaliate with powerful behavior” (Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, 1993, p. 111). The Bible explains, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).

So should parents just give in?

Absolutely not! It is essential that parents have authority in their families. Children—both little and big—need the security that comes from knowing that their parents are in charge and that there are limits and boundaries. As Leman explains, “Avoiding a power struggle does not mean simply giving up and permissively letting children do as they please. You are in authority. The key, however, is to not use your authority like a club or a leash” (p. 116).

All people—young and old—have a need for some control. Wise parents realize that the process of growing up means that control will gradually be given to their growing child, and those boundaries will gradually be expanded. There will be more things that the child will be responsible for as he or she gradually moves toward adulthood.

The question that should be asked is whether a parent needs to control a particular area. As the old tidbit of parenting wisdom goes, “Pick your nos carefully!” Parenting Teens With Love and Logic authors Foster Cline M.D. and Jim Fay make the following three recommendations:

1. “Avoid control battles at all costs.
2. “If you are forced to have a control battle—on those rare occasions when it can’t be avoided—then win it at all costs.
3. “Pick the issue carefully and deliberately without threatening to do so. Just do it” (1992, p. 59).

Cline and Fay explain further, “Little children, not to mention teenagers, discover that they can bring great big adults to their knees with no effort whatsoever. All they need to do is trick the adults into fighting some kind of battle that could never be won in a million years. Then they keep the adults busy fighting that battle. And the adults have neither the time nor the energy left to fight the more important battles they could have won” (p. 60).

Sharing control by giving choices

A good parenting strategy is to give your child control when you don’t need it. While children need limits, parents can offer them choices within those limits. Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood advises parents to provide choices in situations that are not dangerous and don’t negatively affect others. Keep it simple—offer two options, either of which you’d be happy with (Jim Fay and Charles Fay Ph.D., 2000, p. 25).

For instance, would you like milk or juice with your meal? Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?

It’s not always easy

Finding that ideal balance of loving authority and limits is not always easy. It can be especially challenging because no two children will respond in the same way. But there’s much to be gained by allowing your child to have age-appropriate control and responsibility over areas that he or she will ultimately control anyway. As Chua recalls saying to her husband and daughters, “Choice … I wonder if that’s what it all comes down to” (Battle Hymn, p. 226).

That is certainly part of God’s parenting style. God gives humans, His children, free will to choose. He strongly and lovingly recommends that we choose His way—life (Deuteronomy 30:19)!

Becky Bennett admits to having personal experience with power struggles with her own children. Learning to back off at the right time was hard but has been rewarding in the long run.

For more parenting posts from Becky Bennett, see:

• Letting Go as They Fly the Coop
• Picky Eaters? I'm an Expert!
• Read to Me!