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Written by Judy Swanson
As I reflect back on getting to know my then future husband 50 years ago, I want to share some thoughts with those contemplating marriage.
While I was in college, I met the man who would someday become my husband. Even though he was six years older than I was, he was also a freshman, as he had been in the Navy and also had been a foreman for a 6,000-acre ranch before he entered college. He had read and studied the Bible extensively in four different versions, which really impressed me.
While we were dating, we always had great communication between us and loved to discuss the Scriptures together. He told me that what clinched his love for me was not only the attraction he felt for me but the way he felt about my mind. He said he fell in love with my mind! That’s amazing because that was what I found attractive in him—his mind! That is exactly what made me learn to love this man—his love of the Scriptures and of God. I could see he was striving to become like Jesus Christ and was forgiving.
We were married after our sophomore year, and he continued on to graduation and into the ministry where we served for 39 years before he retired 10 years ago.
Evaluate a potential husband’s thinking
Marriage counseling is very important before a couple embarks on the most important commitment they will ever make, besides baptism. Personally, I feel that even before that, it is important to evaluate each other’s thinking. What kind of mind does this person have? What does he think about more than anything else?
As a man thinks, so is he! Everything we say and do starts in our hearts and minds. Our character is defined by how we control our emotions instead of our emotions controlling us. This can be summed up as self-control. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:33-35). So whatever you talk about is what is in your mind.
How a person acts also shows what is in his mind. Does he think positively, or is he always negative (Philippians 4:8)? Do you have to bring him out of depression often? Does he have a volatile or bad temper? Does he fly off the handle quickly? Do you have to tread lightly when he is upset, or does he make the best of everything that happens, even if it is negative?
Is he loving and affectionate? Some personalities are very affectionate, and they need that same affection reciprocated. If they don’t receive it, eventually they dry up and some even become depressed.
Is he forgiving? Does he hold grudges against others or you? Does he gossip or does he try to build bridges between others? Is he generous and hospitable or is he self-seeking? Does he love God and His Word, and does he love to discuss his beliefs?
Don’t plan to change him!
People have to change their own thinking; no one can change anyone else! If your future mate has a bad or volatile temper and is aware of it but not really working on it, and you can’t see any positive fruits or actions of overcoming it, beware! Marriage won’t change him.
Since marriage is a very challenging partnership anyway, it will be even more difficult to keep a bad temper in check if it isn’t already being dealt with. If one or both don’t control their emotions, but let their emotions control them, then that is a terrible recipe for marriage.
Ask these questions before you marry
The questions I listed above would be some of the most important questions that I would encourage young people—or anyone who is “in love” and wanting to marry—to ask. Ask them soon and ask them honestly—not clouded by love’s “rose-colored glasses.” If you wait to discover the answers after the marriage is performed, it is too late! You will find the answers, but the mistake will have been made. God designed marriage as a permanent commitment, so it is essential to make that commitment with open eyes and careful thought (Matthew 5:32).
A life of overcoming
No matter how clear-eyed our decisions, not one of us goes into marriage perfect. Christians who have repented of their sins and accepted Jesus Christ’s sacrifice have committed to a lifetime of overcoming. We must work on overcoming our sins and not continuing in sin.
All sins start off as a temptation in our minds, and once we succumb to it, it becomes sin. This is Satan’s way—to entice us to do these wrong things.
He entices us to get angry at someone or something; and if one has a bad temper, it is very hard to overcome that temptation! Paul told the brethren in Ephesus that it was all right to get angry but not to sin (Ephesians 4:26). In other words, we must control our anger! See this helpful post about overcoming temptation: “Overcoming Temptation: Finding a Way of Escape.”
We each must commit to overcoming and, if we’re unmarried, look for a husband who demonstrates that commitment as well.
“Am I in love with his mind?”
To marry an angry man or anyone who is not overcoming sins and controlling faults could be disastrous.
So before you tie the knot, seek wise advice from family and the ministry. And ask yourself, “Am I in love with his mind?” If the answer is no, then think again.
Judy Swanson and her husband, Bill, a retired pastor, reside in East Bernstadt, Kentucky, and help serve the Church of God, a Worldwide Association, congregations in London, Kentucky, and Knoxville and Johnson City, Tennessee.She is looking forward to the greatest wedding ever, when the Church of God will marry Jesus Christ (Revelation 19:7)!
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